


Secret Piece

by ToyMouse



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Healing, How do I tag?, I'll probably keep adding things as I figure it out, M/M, barely there smut, vague description of sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:27:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27277975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToyMouse/pseuds/ToyMouse
Summary: Since high school, Alexander and Lafayette have been together. They fit together, were made for each other. Their problems were simply things they hadn't found a solution for yet.Except this one time. There was a party. They hadn't found a solution yet.Or: Alex deals with the aftermath of a relationship he hadn't been looking for.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Secret Piece

He pushed inside his lover slowly, their hands intertwined. Tears gathered at the corner of his love’s eyes and he stilled as he bottomed out, moving his hands from Alexander’s waist and wrapping them around his shoulders, pulling him close, kissing the tears away.

“Are you okay?” He breathed slowly, staying as still as possible. Alexander’s body trembled under his hand and he pulled him closer still. His chest pressed tightly against Alexander’s, Alexander’s chest heaving as he attempted to calm his breathing.

“Just… stay still.” Alexander’s fingers gripped into his shoulders, his arms thrown around Gilbert’s own neck for support. Tears continued to pool in his eyes, threatening to spill.

“Do you want to stop?” The thought killed him, but he would do anything and everything to make sure Alexander was content and fulfilled. He did not need this. That his love was willing meant the world to him, and he would not take that for granted.

“No-please… just wait.”

“Are you sure?” He shifted back a bit, pulling the other man from his chest to examine his face. Alexander was always so expressive, but his words rarely matched his expression. He needed to see how Alexander felt, not just hear it.

“Gil. Shut up and hold me.” Alexander gripped his shoulders tighter, trying to pull the other man closer to him. Gilbert huffed a breathy laugh and clutched Alexander to his chest again. “I-” He started speaking, breaking off quickly as a gasping sound escaped him. “I’m sorry, please. I’m so sorry. I’m okay. I’m normal. I-I just… I need, I’m sorry. Please, just wait. Gil, please don’t hate me, please. I’m sorry.” Alexander’s breath hitched, and a sob escaped him, bubbling up involuntarily. Gilbert held him tight and kissed his tears away, before shifting his hips, pulling out of Alexander completely. His tears and trembling increased, not out of discomfort but a strange mixture of disappointment, relief, and dread. 

Gilbert groped around the bed near their waists, Alexander still in his grasp, until his fingers touched the soft fabric of their bedsheet. He pulled it up, covering their bodies, and shifted to the side, laying next to Alexander, pulling his lover’s head delicately to nestle against his chest. Gilbert dropped a kiss to the top of Alexander’s head, carding a hand through his long hair.

“Thank you, Lexi. You are so, so brave. So perfect.” Gilbert pressed another kiss to Alexander’s forehead, focusing on his hair, delicate and deliberate when handling the strands. He continued to mumble apologies and Gilbert continued to shush him, tugging knots from the silky locks. Gilbert always loved Alexander’s hair. Soft and lustrous, it glimmered in any light, as if the light came from his hair itself. Alexander was magical enough, that might be the case.

Alexander continued to babble, sobs escaping him. Gilbert held him close, providing him the safety and acceptance he needed. The sobs slowly petered out, becoming softer and softer, until Gilbert was sure his love had cried himself to sleep. At least, that’s what he assumed until Alexander shifted, separating the line of their bodies.

“Love? What are you doing?” Alexander began placing soft kisses to Gilbert’s chest, running his hand over his stomach, hips, small of his back. He tilted his head up, placing open-mouthed kisses to Gilbert’s neck and chin.

“I’m ready now. I can do this. Please, love, let me do this for you.” Alexander’s hand settled on Gilbert’s cheek, attempting to draw him into a kiss.

“No, Lexi. Stop.” Gilbert’s hands, one tangled in his lover’s hair, the other on his waist, moved quickly, stopping Alexander from continuing his ministrations. “Not right now, don’t push yourself.” It pained him, but this would not be healthy if they continued. Alexander deserved to feel loved through the entire experience, not like he was opening himself to Gilbert out of obligation. This was Alexander’s decision, but Gilbert could never forgive himself if he allowed himself to do this. Alexander exploded, furious.

“What do you mean? Two minutes ago, you were inside me! Now you want to stop? Bullshit! Men only want one thing, and I’m trying to give that to you. Am I not good enough anymore? Am I tainted? Dirty? Can’t bear to touch me?” Alexander was spiraling into a pit of self-destruction, flinging hurtful words and pulling away from the one person who never gave up on him. When Gilbert placed his hand on Alexander’s hip again, Alexander jerked violently, disentangling himself forcefully from the other man. He stood from the bed, using the bedsheet to protect his modesty, leaving Gilbert bare and bewildered on their bed. “Maybe you would prefer I leave? I should go. I bet J-John-” The wind filling his sails dissipated all at once, the fury driving Alexander forward evaporating at the thought of that man. The tears began anew, sobs tearing through him with all the intensity of gale-force winds.

Gilbert moved into action as the hurricane struck, wrapping himself around the other, holding Alexander to his chest, face buried in his hair.

“Alexander, my sweet love. Wonderful, handsome, brilliant. I never want you to leave. I am not asking you to stop for you.” Gilbert’s arms crossed over the front of Alexander, and he laid his head on the other man’s shoulder. “Lex, I am not ready. He- he hurt you. He made you think yourself less and unworthy and all of those words you used. I want… I don’t know what I want, but I want you to be happy. I don’t want to make you feel like he did, ever. Please don’t leave. Please, not again.” He struggled to keep his tears in, but a warm droplet spilt across Alexander in the crook of his neck where Gilbert hid his face. “You are my universe; I never needed sex before him and I don’t need it now.”

“I,” Alexander’s voice cracked when he attempted to speak, fear, self-loathing, and anxiety lacing his frame. “I did it for him, I was happy to do it for him. You are more deserving than he ever was, so why can’t… why can’t I put-out for you too?”

“No, dear-heart. Deserve, need, want, ‘put-out’ - none of these are words that should describe or define our intimacy. I am happy to accept whatever you are comfortable with. This is how we’ve always been, and I will never ask for anything more. I need not have sex to be happy. We are stronger than this, our love and our bond is more than physical intimacy. You came back to me. Through all that trauma, you survived, and you came home. Your heart knows I am safe, now you just need to remind your mind.” Gilbert’s thumb rubbed a circle into Alexander’s shoulder where his hand rested.

“Would I be disappointed,” Gilbert continued. “If I could never touch you again? Yes, probably. But if we never have sex? Never, I could not possibly care less.” Gilbert released Alexander from the tight grip holding him in place. Alexander made to move away and Gilbert, quick as a fox, grabbed his shoulder and spun Alexander around to face him, once more holding his arms. The grip of his fingers was firm upon the meat of Alexander’s upper arms, likely forceful enough to leave light bruising. Alexander winced at the pressure, and Gilbert at once relaxed his hands.

“I love you, Alexander. Every inch of you. There is nothing in this world I need but your smile in my life; your quick wit and snarky humor fill my days with color; your hand in mine is all the intimacy I will ever need.” Alexander stared at the space between them, listening but not. Lafayette was earnest in his affections, always had been, and Alexander was not listening.

The two of them had been inseparable from the moment they met, both immigrants with interesting enough stories to regale each other for hours. When their stories concluded, they filled the air with dreams and passions, debates and arguments, screaming matches and battles over who loved whom more. What started as acquaintanceship quickly shifted to best friends and confidants, then again to partners. The transition was quick and unnoticed. To Alexander, nothing really had changed except that he no longer needed a phone to tell Gilbert ‘Good Morning.’

The two filled their nights with discussions, and games, and movies, and cuddling, spending time with family and friends, making plans and taking action. Gilbert had already graduated, and was working at the law firm of his dreams, thanks to a lucky internship that he and Alexander shared. Alexander was in his last year of school. He only needed to graduate and pass the bar exam, then he could begin working at the same firm.

Studying was a must, of course, and the bar waited for no man. Gilbert would bring him food and coffee and sweets when necessary, while Alexander stayed up all night studying, and reviewing, and revising. Gilbert would enforce break time, and Alexander would lie with him on the couch, sometimes in silence, just enjoying each other, sometimes with a film running. Times were perfect and sheltered, and they were safe from the ravages of the outside world. Nothing would or could tear them apart.

Then a new character entered, stage left: John Laurens.

John was just a hair taller than Alexander and had a mouth just as loud. He was abrasive in all the ways Alexander wasn’t and together they were the perfect storm, wreaking havoc wherever they went. Gilbert had mixed feelings regarding the other man, not sure if his influence was beneficial or detrimental to Alexander. On one hand, Alexander seemed more lively and excited, ready to take on the world. On the other hand, his schoolwork suffered because of his new friend. Alexander was prone to rash decisions, but he always held tight to his goals and aspirations. This kid was making Alexander forget himself, and it scared Gilbert.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi!  
> [@ToyMouse](http://toymouse.tumblr.com/)


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